Excuse me, waiter, there's dignity in my soup.

I thought about her today. The one I always thought got me into this mess I call my life. When I did I finally unraveled the mystery as to why we ever were and why I kept going back. Despite only ever feeling and empty void between us. She was my excuse. At that point in my life I was going through a lot of changes at once. Newish school, new job, ending an almost two year relationship, and living on my own for the first time in my life. It was a lot of new found responsibility I never had to worry about before. Then, by some random occurrence, I met up with this person who's problems dwarfed that of my own. And that was my ticket out of having to deal with becoming an adult, fending for myself. She was my excuse out of living the life I was so afraid to live. So in the end, everything that happened to me did through my secret need for it to keep me from being held accountable for my life and what I wasn't doing with it. I knew I needed to grow up, choose a career, and all those adult things. I was just too scared to make huge life altering decisions. And that's that.